Wednesday, March 25, 2015

On Death

So much heartache.

I only know a tiny piece of her story.  I wasn't an avid reader of her blog.  But I can't help but feel the weight of the death of Kara Tippetts.  I know she was given the task of walking with her family through a terminal brain cancer diagnosis, and I can't even imagine.  I know she did her best to point to God and His love, and she is a beautiful picture of the lost art of dying well.  And so we should rejoice at the thought of her living forever, pain free, with Jesus.

Because we know she believed and lived as a child of God.  She was secure in her eternity because of her faith.  She gets to LIVE FOREVER. And live forever in a place that is not riddled with the horrors of this world.  We should rejoice!

But I cry instead.

Why does death sting so bad?  I know why it does for those who choose to live apart from Jesus.  Their eternity is a worse place than this one, and that's saying something.  They should be scared.  But I shouldn't be.  And I'm not scared of death, but I definitely am not looking forward to it.

Even saying that makes me feel so disloyal to my Lord.  I love Him, and I can't wait to just be with Him forever.  But on the other hand, I very much can wait.  So do I love my life on this broken planet more than I love Him?  Is that what that means?  Because I'm ashamed at that thought.  I'm ashamed that it's not so much that I don't want to go, it's that I don't want to leave.  The thought of the sorrow that I would leave behind if I were to die, the sorrow of my girls and my husband, the amount of work it would take for my family to make life liveable again, is unbearable.  Even with knowing the joy I will experience on the other side.

I try to remember this, though.  I would cite the article if I could remember where I read it, but it was about those Christians in Egypt (yes?) who were publicly beheaded by ISIS recently.  Articles have popped up about how peaceful they were during that incident, singing and praising the Lord as they faced that horror.  And the author of the article said something along the lines of, "Don't worry about whether or not you could face martyrdom with that kind of joy and grace, because you could."  I think he meant that that kind of joy and grace is a very specific joy and grace given by the Lord for that very moment, and while we don't have it now, we don't need it now.  If we need it then, it will be given then.  I think Kara experience that same kind of joy and peace and grace, even in the midst of her sorrow at knowing her time was ending.

I had a dream a week or so ago.  In the dream I was on a table, about to be executed for my faith by lethal injection.  But the injection kept going wrong, like it just wasn't working.  And I was upset.  I knew my family would be sad, but I was so excited at seeing Jesus that I just kept thinking, Come on!!!  Work already!!  It was a weird, morbid dream, but I can't get it out of my head.  And I feel like so much death is happening around me that the dream keeps coming back to the forefront.

I have no conclusions.  Just a heaviness of heart and a lump in my throat.  I want to live and be ready and excited to spend eternity with Jesus and protect my girls from this level of sorrow.  But I'm afraid that is an order that is too big to fill.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Confession: I am a Food Ruiner

Sometimes even I get irritated by my love of routine.

I have a nasty habit of ruining perfectly good food.  By ruining, I mean eating it so many times in a row that I reach a point where I never ever want to see it again.

Case in point: last year sometime I changed some dietary things to help me shed the last 10 baby pounds that seemed to make themselves at home on my body.  So for breakfast I starting having smoothies: 1 cup of frozen fruit, one big dollop of greek yogurt, a squirt of honey, 2 Tbsp ground flaxseed and 2 Tbsp of chocolate Instant Carnation Breakfast.  I felt so healthy, and it really seemed to help.  I also began eating a salad with some kind of chicken on top every day for lunch.  Last year I was able to lose 12 pounds.  And now I am SO OVER IT.

So I found this recipe for a scrambled egg in the mug and a two-minute breakfast sandwich.  It's glorious and FAST.  I can make it three and half minutes total and have a real filling breakfast.  But I just know I'll probably ruin this too.  The question is, how many will I eat before I never want to eat it again?

Spice things up, you say?  Variety is the spice of life, eh?  Maybe. Probably.  Too late.  I'm already stuck in my rut.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Dreamy Thoughts

Or, more accurately, "Thoughts on Dreams."  As in, a bunch of random thoughts on dreams that don't exactly go together, except they are on the same subject.

I'm a dreamer; my husband is a realist.  Maybe I've always known this, but I feel like this is a new revelation about me.  I feel like it is something I have suppressed for years and years, because my husband is a realist.  Who wants to dream dreams when you know someone will just tell you how unrealistic they are?  He's never done it on purpose, but in the name of peace keeping I've kept my dreams to myself all this time because I know what he'll say.  Well, no more.  We discussed this fact today, and I told him just to go with it when I start dreaming.  I don't think my dreams are crazy, and I also know they are just dreams.  I like to think of myself as a realistic dreamer, enjoying the process of dreaming while knowing the practicality of the situations.

I don't really want all my dreams to come true.  If I did, I would work for them. I would scrap and fight and never die.  But I think I don't really want to be a hard-core gardener or learn how to compost.  Because I don't like the smell of mud.  But the thought of being a hard-core gardener and living on acreage is still a dreamy dream of mine.  I have other dreams too, but the more I think about them and how they would come to fruition, I think that maybe I don't really want them to come true after all.  But I like dreaming about them.  Or maybe I just read too many books.

Hebrews 11:13 - "All these people died still believing what God had promised them.  They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it.  They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth."  This verse comes smack in the middle of the Heroes of Faith chapter, where you read stories about all the greats and the faith they had.  But this verse has stuck to me like the macaroni noodles stick to the seat of my todder's pants.  They had more than dreams; they had promises.  And they were content with that, even if they never saw it's fruition.  So why do I think that I'm entitled to see the very best outcomes of my dreams?  I'm not entitled to anything.  This place isn't even my home.  But the American Dream is that you can have everything your heart desires, as long as you work for it.  But I'm not so sure that's a Biblical view.  But I actually find this verse freeing.  I can dream dreams, but I don't have to worry about making them come true.  Maybe they will.  Maybe they won't.  Maybe someday I'll dream a dream that I'm so excited about that I just have to figure out how to make it work.  But these dreams are not my prize.  Eternity is.

No witty conclusion here.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Those "Don't Ever Say" Lists Probably Aren't Effective

You know the ones.

"10 Things To Never Say to Introverts"

"Things Christians Should Never Say"

"508 Things You Should Never Say To a Stay-At-Home/Working/Homeschooling/Short-Haired/Hungry Mom"

These are all fictitious, of course, but you know the articles and blog posts I'm talking about.  You could find one right now, if you wanted.  Just go to Google and start to type in "things to never say to" and see what pops up.

Not only are they completely overdone at this point, but I believe they are completely NOT doing what people hope they do.  People hope that these types of articles will cause others to treat them in the way that they want to be treated.  But I doubt they are being read by the people who they think need to read them.  These types of articles are only read by subgroup of people who the article is about, and used to reinforce the perceived injustice they feel from other people.

Whenever I see these things shared, they are shared by the introvert/non-Christian/stay-at-home mom.  Never by the person who has one of these people in their life.  Frankly, it's passive-aggressive.

First of all, I've come to the realization that no social battle will ever be won on the internet.  The internet is too impersonal, and these issues are ONLY personal.  There are too many ways to find only the viewpoint you are looking for, so if you're trying to push for change and someone doesn't agree with you, then they are probably not going to even read your post.  Or they'll read it and reference five other posts that support their side.  So it's a waste.

Second, it is almost directly opposed to the Golden Rule.  In Matthew 7:12, we find Jesus saying, "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you" not "Tell others how you want to be treated."  The action always starts with us, not with us telling others what to do.  Basically, we're not the boss of other people.  And articles like these scream, "treat ME better!"

I'd like to think that someday I'll get to the point where if someone says something to me that is hurtful, then I'll be grown-up enough to talk to them about it, rather than finding an article online and posting it to my Facebook wall, hoping the offending party will read it and feel contrite.  I'd also like to get to the point where if someone says something to me that is hurtful, I'll quickly try to think of where they might be coming from and realize that they weren't trying to be hurtful.  In fact, they were trying to be supportive, even though they said the completely wrong thing.

I'm guilty of this kind of passive-aggressiveness.  Especially when I was pregnant.  Often now that I'm a mom.  And maybe even with this post.

But I don't think those articles work any more.  And I'd like to see them disappear in 2015.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

The Area I Refuse To Simplify

It's the third day of 2015, and I feel like I'm behind the game.  I should have had my goals for the year neatly mapped out by 9:00pm on December 31st so I'd be ready to go the next day when the calendar became fresh and new.  It's not like I didn't want to have my goal set out; I just am having a hard time pulling them together.  I will, mind you, but I decided to not be bound by the calendar.

Blogs are fun to read this time of year.  They're chock full of ideas of goals and plans, as all the wonderful people who write them are more on the ball than I am, and have their lives ready to go.  I suppose another side of the coin is finding ideas and goals that you know without a doubt you absolutely do not want any part of.

This blog post popped up in my news feed.  I like the blog in general, and the title of the post is compelling this time of year: "Making Facebook Interactions More Purposeful."  I think we all want that, right?  We know how clouded and half-hearted social media has become.  The lovely author needed to create more boundaries in her life, so she deleted 500 people from her friends list.  The post explains her reasoning and how she did it, and is very informative. 

But while I do understand the heart of her post, I absolutely do not agree with the method.  Here's the thing: yes, your Facebook profile is probably filled with mostly people you do not interact with on a regular basis.  But whether you want it to or not, deleting someone from your friend list is a very clear signal that says "Your life is not worth my time." 

A few months ago I was in Target and I saw an old MOPS friend across the way.  What did I do? I turned down the other aisle to avoid her.  Because a few months before that I had thought about her and realized I hadn't seen any Facebook activity from her in awhile.  I bopped over to her page, only to find out that she had unfriended me.  So when I saw her in person I felt extremely awkward with the knowledge that either I offended her somehow or she just deemed my activities not worth her time.  Hence the passive-aggressive avoidance act.

The author of the post mentioned how it had taken her a long time to pull the trigger on deleting so many people because she didn't want to hurt people's feelings, but then decided that wasn't a good enough reason.  But I think people's feelings should always matter.  Especially in the world of Facebook, where if you are trying to clean up your news feed, then you have the option of simply unfollowing people, rather than completely cutting them off.  They may not mean that much to you, but perhaps you mean a whole lot more to them, whether they show it or not.  And that knife could go a whole lot deeper than you meant it to when they realize that you've shut them out without so much as a word why. 

I've unfriended people before.  I regret it now.  It pains me to think that maybe one day they were looking for me and very obviously saw that I closed them out.  I know from experience that that realization causes pain, no matter how close you were at one time.  And it's not enough to just say to them, "It wasn't personal!  I was just trying to clean things up!  And you didn't make the cut!" 

I will never simplify my friends list.  I reserve the right to unfollow someone, but I always want to leave that door open, so if they need me, I'm here.  I think I would only unfriend someone if they were actively doing things to do me harm, but thankfully I haven't had to deal with that yet.

Obviously everyone will do what is best for themselves.  But I challenge you to always consider someone's feelings, and find every avenue possible to handle something before resorting to something as clear as unfriending them.  Because once that door is closed, it may not be easily opened.  And people matter.

Friday, October 31, 2014


Dear Me (or You, if you need it to!),

The Internet is full of it.  Full of everything, full of nothing.  Everyone has their ideas and opinions and for some reason we thought it would be good to put all those ideas and opinions in one place where everyone can access them at all hours of the day.  Do you have an opinion about something?  Good news: you can find a number of articles and blog posts to back you up. 

There are also a number of articles and blog posts that will point out how very wrong you are, so beware when scoping out things.  I know that these are the ones that bring you down.  That make you feel like everything you've ever believed and everything you've ever researched could only be believed by a stupid person. 

But you have a brain.  You have survived this long, and were doing great before you read that article that said you were doing it wrong.  I know you didn't mean to read it.  Some well-meaning friend posted it on Facebook, and since you like your friend you felt you should read what spoke to them so clearly.  But it didn't bring life to you the way it brought life to them, and that's okay.  For some reason, God created us with different ideas and opinions and ways of doing things.  I think it's because He ultimately wants us to trust in Him and not in our great human wisdom.  Maybe.  But that's the world we live in.

So I'm here today to give you permission to not read the things that bring you down.  If you don't have any interest or desire to homeschool, then for heaven's sake, DO NOT read the articles entitled "How Much I Love Homeschooling" or "Why I Sent My Daughter to Public School And Regret That Decision Every Day."  If you don't want to eat vegan or paleo, please don't click on links written by vegans and paleo-eaters that declare how you should be dead right now because you don't eat vegan or paleo.  Only read if you are looking to change something about your life or are uncomfortable with the way things are going for you now.

Simple, right?  Just don't read it.  You do not have to.  If you understand the basic idea of something and have chosen to do something else, you do not have to be compelling to read every single reason that someone thinks they have the ultimate wisdom on the topic.  Just be obedient to the Lord, pray and ask Him what to do, read your Bible, and feel confident in your decision.

Also, don't take it personally if not everyone thinks that every word out of your mouth is solid gold.  No need to argue.  Just do what you need to do.


Thanks for joining me for 31 Days of Half Baked Ideas!  I'm amazed you stuck it out with me this long  Missed any?  Catch up here!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

How To Beat Me At Never Have I Ever

I'm pretty good at Never Have I Ever, mostly because I never really do anything.  The point of the game is to say things you've never done, and if someone has done that then they lose a point (or an M&M or whatever it is you are playing with.)  But here are a few ways you can beat me at this game, because I've actually done these things:

1. Given birth to three girls
2. Completed a 4-year degree at an out-of-state college
3. Lived in four different states (Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa and Louisiana)
4. Been to four different foreign countries (Mexico, Canada, Jamaica, Italy)
5. Been to Disneyland/Sea World/Legoland
6. Been to Alaska
7. Made money selling crocheted beard hats
8. Eaten massive amounts of crawfish in one sitting
9. Gotten a speeding ticket
10. Been Christmas caroling in Italy
11. Saw Phantom of the Opera in New York City
12. Been pranked repeatedly and unmercilessly with a very large bra by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law
13. Made homemade jambalaya from scratch

When I look at this list, I don't feel quite so lame.  (But still mostly lame, because I can't think of much more beyond this list.)

Click here for more half-baked ideas!